November 10, 2008

The election is over, I don’t want to/can’t make fun of Obamz and life is dull.

Until today. Revelations:

1. Nobody likes a smart ass.

No asshole, I don’t want to be on your team or in your study group or in your Saturday night Cops TV party. Just because you jump and blurt the answer to every question does not mean that you are superior to me. It just means that you have a speedy reaction time and a desire to show the professor (and the cute TA you totally have a crush on) how much time you didn’t spend doing things that those other “ignorant kids” do… like, voting or taking a shower. No asshole, I don’t feel sorry for you because you are rude, racist, and belligerent to people trying to help you realize that you can’t scream “No! You’re Wrong!” at somebody giving her damn opinion. Judging your peers will not make them your friends.

2. Leggings are not pants when: a) you’re not at the gym and b) your shirt is above your crotch.

Eight AM classes, laziness, and especially fashion do not excuse women from serious cases of camel toe as a result of leggings that are too sheer, too tight, or both. Put on some damn shorts for crying out loud.

3. PETA is propaganda that I feel guilty calling propaganda because cute wittle animals are dying all over the world and I’m eating them for dinner. But it is propaganda nevertheless.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, son?”

“This lamb is delicious. Where did it come from?”

“God dropped it to us. From out of the sky.”

“God is nice.”

“Yes, son. God is nice indeed. Ha, ha, ha.” Mr. Wertzinfg winked to his wife.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, son?”

“Why did you just laugh and wink at Mommy?”

“No reason.”

“Did this lamb really come from God?”

“No, son. I guess you’re old enough to know.We are eating Teresa.”

Save the cute wittle kiddies from financial funding for the PETA, won’t you?.

OKAY SO:
It’s Monday Celebration because there is no school tomorrow and midterms are overr!!!! (Really, this time.) Congratulations to me, myself and I but mostly, congratulations to the bored-to-the-point-of-deliberately-cruel at my old high school for mistaking Gossip Girl as potential reality and thinking that a copycat, try hard blog will validate your life (it won’t) - seriously, get over yourselves. At least be original or something.

WHY ARE APATHETIC GUYS SO ATTRACTIVE:
“Hey Ben, you are a mellow dude, what’s your secret to your chill factor?”
“There’s a lot of things happening inside of my head so there’s not a lot of energy to put out.”
“Ben you’ve got great hair, what do you put in it?”
“Shampoo.”
“What’s your favorite part of the Lord of the Rings movies?
“Shadowfox.”